It’s that time of year again – awards season – our chance to laugh, mock, and look back the people who’ve defined another year in culture. This week, it’s the turn of the BRIT awards. Time to get gonzo and undercover.
17:00pm: A slew of label bosses, artists, and B-list wonders, arrive outside the O2. Standing, looking bemused from the taxi rank, they watch as an army of banner-wielding teenage girls storm their way off the tube and up to the entrance. A nervous stare off between the two forces ensues.
18:11pm: Inside the O2, the music industry collectively make their way to Nando’s. X Factor boy, James Arthur, is spotted trying to steal RIzzle Kicks black card. Storming out of the arena, he’s later seen in Stratford handing over a quid for a 3 wings and chips meal deal from Favourite’s Chicken.
19:15pm: Back to the red carpet and One Direction arrive. The next ten minutes proceed to play out in a Call Of Duty like fashion, as the boys shuffle their way from the car to inside the doors, attempting to avoid ballistic make up missiles. Harry Styles does a barrel roll and lands at the feet of a dazed Nick Grimshaw.
20:20pm: The two-minute curtain call echoes around the arena. Zane Lowe is seen creeping on stage and stealing the winners’ envelopes in an attempt to be ‘get an exclusive’.
20:30pm: The awards begin, and Emilie Sande takes the stage to perform ‘Abide With Me’. She leaves the stage on a black forklift truck, as Plan B drives her in a victory lap around the arena. Everyone looks confused.
21:27pm: Unable to receive the British Female Solo Artist award, the BRIT’s remember Amy Winehouse with a holographic obituary. Half way through a heart-wrenching medley of her big singles, Justin Timberlake stumbles on stage and shows his arse to the British public.
21:58pm: Damon Albarn performs with everyone ever.
22:28pm: During an ad break, a fight rages out between Rita Ora and Jessie Ware. Neither can get over the fact an 18-year-old Jake Bugg has just been given the British Breakthrough award.
23:06pm: The awards finish, and winners of the British Live Act, the Rolling Stones escape out of a fire exit – leaving a roadie dressed as Keith Richards to perform Satisfaction. He is given a standing ovation.